Rafa's Rant

"Jose said he wouldn't be talking about Liverpool this season - maybe his memory is not so good".

This is the kind of comment we're used to hearing from Rafa Benitez, and it's as close as he normally comes to controversy. Barbed, but understated - he gets his point across without coming off as a rabid madman infuriated by (usually) Mourinho's comments. It has appeared, for four years, that Benitez is a quiet, laid-back student of the game, a hard man to rile. It's hard to imagine him throwing tea cups around a dressing room, or giving any player the Alex Ferguson hairdryer treatment. This, lets not forget, is the man who sat cross-legged, Buddha like, whilst watching penalties in the Champions League semi-final against his greatest managerial rival. Cucumbers envy his cool.

This week however, Rafa has well and truly "chucked a mental". Totally and utterly lost it. Maybe it's his new beard, and he's totally f**ked off with being called "Max" every day in training. Maybe Mrs Benitez isn't putting out this season, because of his newly spiky face. Maybe his fantasy football team is as s**t as mine, cos Dean Ashton can't get a f**king game. Whatever the reasons, Rafa has clearly had some steam building, and the Heinze ruling this week has been the catalyst for one almighty venting.

In what will surely come as a shock to all of you reading, I have to say I agree with pretty much everything he said, although I'm certainly surprised at the extent to which it's upset him. I'll deal with his points one by one, because as funny as it was hearing him go off on one, he raised some pretty valid questions.

Firstly, the Heinze ruling itself. I'm certain there's only a fraction of the information on this one that has made it into the public domain, nobody knows what the f**k has been going on there. I don't believe for one minute that Liverpool FC and it's numerous lawyers took the matter this far purely on the basis of a bit of paper nowhere near as legally binding as Heinze's actual contract. This has indeed been a murky matter, hence the need for an arbitration panel rather than a statement of "don't be so bloody stupid, he's Man United's player". European contract law comes into things, as do certain quotes (which haven't been made public) attributed to Man Utd's Chief Exec, in conversation with Heinze's agent. What we do know though (and even Alex Ferguson pointed this much out) is that Liverpool thought they had a watertight case, or the whole thing wouldn't have happened. Benitez is clearly frustrated with what he feels is an unjust decision.

What REALLY p**sed Benitez off though, was the implications coming out of Old Trafford that Liverpool were involved in tapping up Heinze. From a club that is well known for sending out replica shirts to transfer targets with their name on the back, (Paul Ince, Mexes, Hargreaves) accusations of transfer irregularities seem rich. These accusations were apparently levelled again at the tribunal, presumably with the aim of bringing Liverpool to book for the supposed infringements. Reading back over the quotes Benitez made about the affair prior to the tribunal, it's hard to back these claims up.

If that was all Benitez had got angry about, not many would have been surprised. However, he's clearly decided the men in charge of English football are a complete bunch of f**kwits, and decided to let loose on a range of issues. Between now and the end of the season, Liverpool are already scheduled to play FOUR early Saturday kickoffs following International fixtures. By anyone's reckoning that seems excessive, and Benitez has rightly pointed out that Liverpool were the Premiership side most involved in early morning kickoffs last season, following both International and European fixtures. When your key players (or whole squad) have just travelled half the length of Europe, the last thing you want is to have to play at noon on a saturday, especially when all your rivals have convenient 4pm Sunday kickoffs. Now I'm not suggesting there's a hidden fixture agenda at the Premier League, and neither is Benitez. All he's saying (and rightly) is that someone should have probably noticed and amended this discrepancy. For it to happen over a whole season is an oversight. For it to happen over two is downright incompetent.

Next he turned his attention to the Rob Styles debate, still raging from Sunday. In the bearded one's opinion, (that's Rafa, not me) it's not referees who should carry most of the blame in situations like the one at Anfield. That's an area where I disagreed, until I heard what came next. I still think Styles is a useless c**t, who should never referee in this country again, but Rafa rightly pointed out some mitigating circumstances. Firstly, Florent Malouda wants hauling by the balls over the embers of a Newquay hotel, so blatant and disgusting was his dive that conned the ref. He didn't just fall over, he fell INTO a player in order that there'd be contact. He really tried to back up his theatrics, and is clearly a pro in the art of being a cheating t**t.

Secondly, Styles perhaps felt he owed Chelsea, so incredulously did they surround him every time he gave a decision Liverpool's way. The (clearly organised) protests of the Chelsea players must have had Styles thinking he'd dropped more than one clanger in Liverpool's favour. Watching on TV, from time to time even I thought Chelsea had been hard done by on occasion, so vehement were the denials. Except we had the benefit of replays, where we could see they were just being a bunch of cheating cockney b******s. Benitez' point, basically, is that referees are human. If you've got eleven guys deliberately trying to con them, by going to ground whenever possible and by debating every possible decision in order to undermine their self-belief, then they ARE going to make mistakes. He even suggested that certain clubs (Chelsea) target certain referees (Styles) as they know they're more prone to folding under the pressure. This is clearly a disgraceful and disgusting state of affairs, especially from the most expensively assembled group of players in English football history, who shouldn't have to resort to such tactics.

I always loved the understated, studious Rafa. And I must be honest, when I first heard his rant I was slightly amused, but also slightly alarmed, thinking back to the cracking-up Kevin Keegan's "I'd love it" monologue. It wasn't until I'd read his quotes through a couple of times and gone away and thought about it that I realised two things - A) pretty much everything he said was true, and B) it's about time somebody in the game said it. And you can say what you like, but a mild-mannered slightly shy performance in a press conference doesn't get your comments noticed half as much as a balls-out mentalist rant.

I still think he's sick of being likened to Peter Kay, and if he's got Ashton in his fantasy team that'll be p**sing him off just as much as it is me, but I also think he was 100% justified in not only saying what he did, but in how he said it. More of the same please Rafa, it's time we told the whingers, the divers, the tappers-up and the authorities exactly what we think of their antics. They've all got away with it for too long.

Why bother?

I’ve never understood the point of International friendlies, except for those in the run-up to a major tournament. So maybe I’m not coming at this from the most objective angle possible (in fact, my hatred of International football means I’m certainly not), but that doesn’t disguise the fact that England’s forthcoming friendly with Germany is the biggest waste of time since the last time Italy went 1-0 up.

I can just about understand the need for friendlies where the International manager is an open-minded, meritocratic sort – a man who likes to mix things up and who guarantees no-one his place. I think we’re all in agreement, however, that Steve McClaren is not this man. If Theo Walcott, Joey Barton or even Pele himself was part of this squad, got 90 minutes under his belt and bagged a hat-trick, you can guarantee that come Euro 2008 (should England qualify) he wouldn’t be part of the starting XI.

Barring injuries, we all know McClaren’s favoured eleven reads Robinson, Neville, Cole, Terry, Ferdinand, Beckham/Lennon, Gerrard, Lampard, Cole, Rooney, Owen. So for a start, lets get away from this idea that friendlies are a chance for the manager to try things out, to experiment. Any experimenting McClaren does in a friendly is instantly forgotten when he has a full-strength squad to choose from, much as it was under Sven, with the same depressingly dour performances the result.

The only other justification I can see then, is to give our first choice side more minutes together, to get them all reading from the same page, so to speak. Once again this argument is paper-thin in this case. Rooney, Gerrard, Hargreaves, Johnson, Bent…this list of players unavailable is growing all the time. When you factor in the likes of Woodgate and Gary Neville as long-term absentees, you can’t tell me this is going to be anywhere near a first choice team, or even that the team to face Germany will ever play with each other again.

So we’ve got a largely reserve squad playing on Wednesday, and even those that impress won’t force themselves into the first-team picture when everyone is back fit. So what the f**k is the point? Some would argue getting the squad together and giving them a match against quality opposition is perfect preparation for the upcoming games against Israel and Russia, but try telling that to Rooney or Gerrard, both of whom have been injured recently. Neither injury took place in training, playing another game this close to vital qualifiers could be costly, should the likes of Terry break down again we'd be f**ked.

We’ve just got a Premier League season in full swing, we have controversy, goals, shocks, managerial shenanigans…and before we even get the chance to settle in and enjoy it, we’ve got that grinning ginger t**t plastered all over our TV again, tainting the game we love with his negative, unbalanced "game plans".

For those of you that are looking forward to “locking horns with the Old Enemy” and “England back at Wembley”, genuinely, best of luck to you – I hope you enjoy the game and get the result and performance you’re hoping for. Just don’t expect a match report on this page, I will not be watching.

F**k England reserves, f**k McClaren, and f**k friendlies too.

Premiership Winners & Losers

Winners

Manchester City
Top of the league, and a win over United. Does it get much better? As predicted by The Late Flag, Eriksson's side aren't the most free-flowing or highly scoring side in the league, but when you've not conceded a goal all season, you're certainly not doing too badly as long as you know where the goal is. A home game against Derby and a deflected effort against their local rivals has meant that despite their lack of real cutting edge, City have used this week to make it 9 out of 9 so far.

Chris Hutchings
"I've got a tenner here somewhere" was his response when told he was favourite to be the first Premiership manager to lose his job. Middlesbrough's general s**t-ness and Sunderland's defensive ineptitude has surely cost him that tenner now, 6 points from the first 9 should make him unsackable for a few weeks yet. Impressive industry from Wigan though, as Sibierski and Heskey have the look of an unexpectedly successful partnership. Whilst many could use the quality of their opposition as a mitigating factor in their success, it should be remembered that 14th would be seen as a good year for Wigan, and they're beating their relegation rivals. On this form they could finish top of that bottom third.

Tottenham
Typical. I go slagging off Spurs, their midfield, and Jermaine Jenas, and they win 4-0 with 3 goals coming from midfielders...one from the waste of space himself. I should have seen this coming, but they've rammed my criticism back down my throat, at least for a week. I wouldn't be fooled though, they're still short of midfield quality.

Portsmouth
An assured performance against a Bolton side as desperate for a result as Spurs were. This weekend could well have been a bad time to play Sammy Lee's side, with a backlash in the offing. But despite going a goal down, they fought back to win comfortably, and in Utaka, seem to have a real find. He certainly scored goal of the week, and looked tricky throughout.

Reading
4 points from a run of Manchester United, Chelsea and Everton has to be seen as a good haul. They worked hard for their win, and despite riding their luck at times, were probably good value for it. On the evidence they've shown so far, they'll be absolutely fine this season.

Alan Curbishley
Eased the pressure with a just-about-deserved 1-0 victory. I'm still not convinced it was a penalty, but on the balance of play they probably did enough to deserve 3 points. Clearly his rebuilt side needs more time to bed together, and a few more decisions like that one will help them no end.

Chelsea
Got absolutely nothing out of the Liverpool defence, but came away from Anfield with a priceless point thanks to the most inept refereeing decision of the weekend. Bearing in mind Fulham's disallowed goal, that's saying something. Must be loving Man Utd's slow start.

Middlesbrough
Nearly as lucky as Chelsea. In fact, when you factor in Mido's goal, probably the luckiest side this weekend, having been largely outplayed by Fulham. A much-needed win though, that could kickstart their season.

Dirk Kuyt & Fernando Torres
Showing signs of becoming the best strike partnership in the country. Their industry, movement and link-up play were once again a joy to behold, and despite the hard work of their defensive colleagues, could justifiably claim to be the Liverpool players most unlucky not to be on the winning side. Despite Benitez' many options, these two will be hard to drop on this performance.


Losers

Manchester United
Dear oh dear, not a striker in sight. It just keeps getting worse for the Champions, one goal in three games is a very poor show, and losing to their resurgent City rivals must have hurt like hell. Especially since they hardly had a shot. When Richard Dunne keeps your £30m-rated striker in his back pocket, you know you've got problems.

Derby County
Absolutely battered by Spurs. Will have to learn very, very quickly that giving Premier League midfielders 30 yards of space will cost you dear. Perhaps they were worried by the pace of Bent & Keane in behind them, but whatever the reason, dropping that deep and refusing to put pressure on the ball in their own half played into Spurs' hands. They don't need creative midfielders when you give them that much space - David Batty and Carlton Palmer could have carved Derby open on Saturday.

Bolton
Still no points, and still no sign of getting any. Anelka looks their only threat, and he could be off before September. Unless they re-invest that money VERY wisely, a long hard winter could be on the cards. Strangely for Bolton, they look wide open at the back, too.

Fulham
Your newest signing dislocates his shoulder, your goalscorer dislocates his knee, your keeper does a Taibi, and Healy has that goal disallowed. It's just not your week lads, no matter how well you played. After the Arsenal game last week, Sanchez must regret p**sing on that ancient Indian burial ground.

Sunderland
Temporarily losing a centre back to a head injury is always a difficult time. Replace him, or hope your team holds out till he comes back on? A dilemma. But when your full-back filling in at centre half gives away a penalty a minute later, there's only one decision - get a proper replacement on. When that replacement soon concedes a penalty himself, however, it's time to pack it all in and head home with your tail between your legs. Especially when you've only been playing Wigan, hardly the Real Madrid of the Premier League.

Jens Lehmann
How not to answer your critics.

The B***ard in the Black (or green, yellow, or whatever the f**k they wear)
The controversial penalties at St Andrews and Anfield have put referees firmly back in the spotlight, a hell of a lot earlier than they'd have hoped. There was also the disallowed goal at Fulham, and already video technology is being mooted again as a way to save us from their bumbling lunacy. Not how you'd want to start a season really.

My Fantasy League Team (again)
Ronaldo's red card and suspension, Bojinov injured after finally starting a game, that t**t Zamora getting a game ahead of Ashton, Arteta's form evaporating when I sign him...I really have had the Manchester United of Fantasy League starts. I'll have to give myself a vote of confidence soon. I'd like to apologise to the fans, the performance this week just wasn't good enough.