Stevie Shines Through England S**te

Playing in a now unfamiliar holding midfield role, Steven Gerrard once again showed his capacity to carry a sub-standard team to a respectable result against superior opponents in England's (mis)match against Brazil.

The only man in white who seemed to give a f**k about the way the game was played, or even to where he was supposed to be playing, Gerrard nevertheless failed to disguise what was another shocking England performance. Thank God the Brazilians seem to have caught Arsenal disease after playing at the Emirates. Were it not for Kaka & co's compulsion to walk the ball into the net through seven white shirts, England would surely have been punished for allowing their illustrious opponents more time on the ball than is good for anyone.

More frustrating was the English tendency to treat possession like they were at Al-Qaida's annual 'pass the parcel' contest: no f**ker wanted it and no f**ker kept it either. How long is Crouch to be blamed for England hitting and hoping with high balls forward? For 80 minutes England tried it, with only Owen and Smith up against the tallest man ever to play for Brazil. It's time to realise we're a limited team with limited players and limited tactics, hoofing the ball up top is about our only way of moving it from front to back. Playing Crouch doesn't make us do it more, it makes us do it to someone who's got a chance. The tactic was play it early, play it long, and when that wasn't on they bounced it around like some sort of hot-potato, pinball, mixed-metaphoric nightmare, desperate not to have to keep possession and try something skillful, or, say...creative.

Devoid of service up front, decisiveness at the back and ideas in midfield, England were served with effort - if not much craft - by the likes of Shorey, Beckham and King, but Gerrard twice came to the rescue with biting tackles in the first half, and broke up Brazil's play effectively throughout the second. At various intervals during the match he could be seen attempting to force the tempo, but in a withdrawn role his surging, crowd-raising runs were limited to a minimum. He was the only Englishman to appear worthy of sharing a pitch with the skilled but lethargic Brazilians, and one can only imagine the potent mix of his energy, passion and drive combined in a team with the outrageous talents of Ronaldinho and Kaka.

If Gerrard was Brazilian, they'd be untouchable. But on the up side that means England only need to find one Ronaldinho...

Oh, and a Kaka. And maybe an Alves, a Robinho, a Diego...but hey - Stevie's a start.

Owen wanks over England, AGAIN!

Even though Michael Owen's meeting with Fat Sam has went well, he is still stopping short of committing himself to the club that has only seen him kick a ball for 13 games.

Owen is believed to have a £9m release clause in his contract since Newcastle were unable to qualify for European competition and quite frankly I'd snap anyone's hand off that would pay that much for a back stabbing, injury prone, England loving c**t.

Owen turned his back on Liverpool when Real Madrid came knocking and he won nothing with them, he hardly kicked a ball (but at least it wasn’t because he was injured) in vain. How I laughed when Liverpool won the Champions League without “England’s best striker.” Another thing is, he keeps claiming that he can't wait to play for England again. What about Newcastle Michael? How can England pick a striker that isn’t 100% fit and hasn’t scored at all this season? (I’ve scored more times down town Mickey and that’s saying something, have you seen my face?) He would s**k McLaren off just to get back in the England squad and McLaren would let him do it.

All I can say is that wherever he is next season he has something to prove to club and country. Enjoy your time off Mickey and I hope you’ll be on the sidelines next season because the way you’ve acted so far, you deserve it. C**t.

And the Next Watford is...Derby County!

Following a nervy, tense playoff final worth anywhere between £30m and £60m (depending on which paper you read) Derby clinched promotion to the Premiership despite being largely outplayed by a West Brom side who can count themselves extremely unlucky today. Not that I care too much about the Baggies’ misery – Derby’s win meant I predicted two out of the three teams to win the playoffs, a respectable bit of punditry even if it isn’t enough to cash in my accumulator with the bookies.

Speculation is still lingering that Derby boss Billy Davies won’t be joining his side on their probably doomed, Watford-like incursion into the top flight though, persistent problems with the club’s new managing director could see the Scot walk before tasting Premiership management. Victory yesterday may delay things – this is the 3rd year running that Davies has taken a team into the playoffs, but the first time he’s been successful. If that was me I’d be wanting to reap my reward, even if my managing director was Charles Manson.

Unless he supported Everton or something.

Regardless of who Derby’s managing director supports (probably Derby to be fair) – or how many serial killings he may have orchestrated – I’d expect Davies to stick about for at least the next few months. Although squabbles over transfer budgets or a poor start to next season could well see him gone before Christmas, I think the lure of the Premiership will encourage him to put up with his superior’s character flaws for a while yet.

Presumably due to the fact that they only got promoted yesterday – and so have had no idea where they’d be playing next season – Derby haven’t really been linked to anyone so far this summer. There’s no doubt in my mind that they’ll have to spend big this summer to survive, but the cash is certainly there, the question is ambition. They may try to do a Charlton – take the Premiership money the first time round, don’t really strengthen the squad, then go back down and come straight back up again, spending TWO lots of promotion cash the 2nd time round. It’s worked before, but the risk of getting stuck in the Championship may discourage this sort of behaviour in the future. Nonetheless, the Championship is where I’d be expecting Derby to start the 2008/9 season. It seems the likes of Fulham and Wigan managed to avoid finishing bottom next season by virtue of Derby’s win yesterday, West Brom would have been a much tougher proposition for the league’s perennial strugglers.


God Only Knows What’s Going on at Newcastle

Surprise, surprise, Newcastle appear to be in crisis-mode again. “Urgent” talks have apparently been called between Chairman Freddy ‘Mao’ Shepherd and new majority shareholder Mike ‘What the hell is football anyway?’ Ashley. Shepherd doesn’t want to sell, although could probably be persuaded if Ashley will bankroll an Abramovich-like transfer spree, and would guarantee him a major role at the club. He’s probably wishing he didn’t just appoint a new manager, he seems to have always fancied that job himself.

The manager he has appointed meanwhile, has been able to get absolutely nothing done yet. To be fair, he is on holiday, but the total confusion over how much money he’ll have to spend seems to be preventing him from making a proper list of summer transfer targets. A free-transfer move for Bolton’s Tal Ben-Haim has been much rumoured, but so far nothing has materialised, certainly making me wonder whether Allardyce even wants him, or is just totally fed up with the Israeli, having spent the last 8 months begging him to sign a new contract at the Reebok.

So we’re no closer to knowing whether Allardyce will be able to stop the rot at St James, or how he’ll actually go about it. I’d expect this ownership/share holder story to run and run, and wouldn’t expect a major Ashley-backed transfer fund to be available to the Magpies until at least January. Fat Sam would be well advised to just get on with his summer spending, and forget about any major future war chest for the time being.


Abramovich to make Chelsea Real Club?

Newspaper reports on Sunday claim that Roman Abramovich has told Chelsea directors the free ride is over. He apparently wants to make them a real club with a real budget, and the days of him pouring in £100m here, there and everywhere are long gone. This probably has something to do with him looking pretty damn stupid by paying ludicrous amounts of money for Shevchenko and Ballack, although his massively expensive divorce will also have bruised his wallet. But it’s not just transfer fees that will be capped.

Wages have also to be brought under control, apparently, and that means no Sheva-style deals for John Terry and Frank Lampard, who could both be heading out of England this summer if you believe what you read. I for one genuinely hope this is the case, and will gladly chip in to cover their taxi fare to the airport, poor underpaid orphans that they are. Plenty of column inches over the last four years have been devoted to Chelsea Doomsday scenarios, but if this situation pans out like it appears it will, we could be witnessing the beginning of the end of the Abramovich revolution.

We can only hope.