...And don't come back
There won’t be too many tears outside of West London this morning. The Special One has gone, and despite any amusement we may have gained during his interviews over the years, I expect the majority of you are feeling much the same as I am about the situation. Good f**king riddance to the t**t.
Throughout today, tomorrow, and over the weekend, I guarantee you’ll be subjected to nostalgic montages of Mourinho’s tenure, probably in soft focus, with flowery lovey-dovey music played over the top of it. Soccer Saturday will have a selection of the best Mourinho quotes packaged together in a 4 minute video clip, and SkySports News will probably have a minute’s silence in mourning for the most controversial character in Premier League history. By the end of all this, you’d be forgiven for feeling a slight sense of loss, and for feeling that our game will never quite be the same again.
Allow me to help you in advance, by taking a tour through the very worst moments of Jose Mourinho’s Chelsea career. The following is a list of arguments to use on any w**ker that says we should miss him…
1. He makes Alex Ferguson look benign
Does anyone remember an era in which Manchester United were the most hated club in English football? I certainly do. And despite what Gary Neville or Ryan Giggs would have you believe, it had absolutely nothing to do with jealousy. It was because they were all c**ts. They got soft penalties, especially at home. They whinged about every decision that went against them, surrounding the referee at every conceivable opportunity. There were suggestions that it was this very pressurising of officials that led to them receiving favourable decisions. Ferguson could never accept a defeat to a superior side on the day – there was always an excuse. Injuries, unjust decisions, you name it and Man U could whinge about it. But Mourinho and Chelsea have surpassed even those levels of bitching.
Everything written above about Ferguson applies at least as much so to Mourinho, and he even managed to take it further. He added a new dimension to cheating and pressurising officials, thanks to the way he encouraged his teams to dive. Anyone who doubts Mourinho’s influence on this aspect of Chelsea’s game need only watch Porto’s UEFA Cup or Champions League triumphs, to note how integral it is to Mourinho’s style of play. This perhaps, was necessary with Porto, in order to level the playing field against more talented opposition. But when you have the most expensively assembled (and some would say best) squad in Europe, why resort to such methods? Ferguson’s United were the “neutral’s choice” for the Premiership last season, which just serves to highlight what a b*****d Mourinho really is. That most of the country could bring themselves to root for the red-nosed Scottish t**t speaks volumes.
2. Anders Frisk
When a referee gets death threats and decides to retire from football purely due to the comments of a manager, something has gone wrong. It’s an old truth in football that referees are only human – even the best sometimes get decisions wrong. Managers often forget this, and can occasionally go way too far in criticising an incorrect decision by a referee. If this was Mourinho’s crime here, I’d be tempted to forgive him. But it wasn’t.
Following Drogba’s dismissal in the Nou Camp, Mourinho claimed he had witnessed Frank Rijkaard leaving referee Frisk’s dressing room at half-time, with the suggestion that this led to Drogba’s dismissal, that there was either pressure placed on the official, or (even worse!) a pre-conceived plan to screw Chelsea. An allegation of collusion between home manager and referee had never been made before in Champions League history, and was an incredibly serious complaint. Or it would have been, if it was true.
A full UEFA investigation found that Mourinho had, quite simply, made it all up. It was just b******s. To be fair, Mourinho was fined, and forced to complete a touchline ban, but that hardly matches up to the fear, misery and loss of earnings incurred by Mr Frisk after he received death threats from Chelsea fans and decided to give up the game he loved. Especially when you consider Mourinho flaunted his suspension by hiding a receiver in his assistant’s hat, and hiding himself in a dressing room laundry basket for the following games against Bayern Munich. His teams dive, whinge and cheat – and he lies, whinges and cheats.
3. Cashley Hole
He tapped him up. You know it, I know it, Mourinho knows it. He got fined £200,000, but somehow had this reduced to £9000 on appeal.
4. Crimes against Football
He has spent more money than any other manager in the history of the game, and yet this squad of superstars ground out 1-0 wins at home to pure s**te. True, just one look at Manchester United this season tells you how teams come to your ground and try to frustrate you, but a total lack of flair and invention in his teams led to a huge anti-Chelsea feeling throughout Europe. Creative talents like Wright-Phillips, Joe Cole, Damien Duff and Arjen Robben have spent huge amounts of time side-lined in favour of more prosaic, pragmatic players - with Tuesday’s final straw against Rosenborg a classic example.
Drawing 1-1 going into the last 20 minutes, Mourinho replaced the attack-minded Ashley Cole with centre-back Tal Ben-Haim, in order to send John Terry up front as a battering ram. Had Chelsea been playing a Polynesian pygmy tribe this may have been understandable, but against the hardened, 6-foot-plus, battle-scarred frames of the Norwegians this was a futile gesture which only served to limit Chelsea’s play.
It’s not the first time Mourinho has used this tactic. Following Liverpool’s 2006 FA Cup Semi Final defeat of Chelsea, Rafa Benitez quipped “When you need a goal and are chasing a game you can do one of two things. You can throw a centre half up front and hope for the best, or you can bring on a player like (matchwinner) Luis Garcia, who can play between the lines and give defenders problems.” Throughout his Chelsea career Mourinho has never been short of potential matchwinners, but he seemed intent on playing as few of them as possible, preferring to rely on athleticism, brute force and aerial ability to pound the opposition into submission. This will only get you so far, and won’t win you many friends. Why should we see the Premier League as poorer for having lost this sort of philosophy? When you’ve bought the players Mourinho did you can play whatever style you want – and he chose that style, it wasn’t forced on him. We should be glad to see the back of it.
Throughout today, tomorrow, and over the weekend, I guarantee you’ll be subjected to nostalgic montages of Mourinho’s tenure, probably in soft focus, with flowery lovey-dovey music played over the top of it. Soccer Saturday will have a selection of the best Mourinho quotes packaged together in a 4 minute video clip, and SkySports News will probably have a minute’s silence in mourning for the most controversial character in Premier League history. By the end of all this, you’d be forgiven for feeling a slight sense of loss, and for feeling that our game will never quite be the same again.
Allow me to help you in advance, by taking a tour through the very worst moments of Jose Mourinho’s Chelsea career. The following is a list of arguments to use on any w**ker that says we should miss him…
1. He makes Alex Ferguson look benign
Does anyone remember an era in which Manchester United were the most hated club in English football? I certainly do. And despite what Gary Neville or Ryan Giggs would have you believe, it had absolutely nothing to do with jealousy. It was because they were all c**ts. They got soft penalties, especially at home. They whinged about every decision that went against them, surrounding the referee at every conceivable opportunity. There were suggestions that it was this very pressurising of officials that led to them receiving favourable decisions. Ferguson could never accept a defeat to a superior side on the day – there was always an excuse. Injuries, unjust decisions, you name it and Man U could whinge about it. But Mourinho and Chelsea have surpassed even those levels of bitching.
Everything written above about Ferguson applies at least as much so to Mourinho, and he even managed to take it further. He added a new dimension to cheating and pressurising officials, thanks to the way he encouraged his teams to dive. Anyone who doubts Mourinho’s influence on this aspect of Chelsea’s game need only watch Porto’s UEFA Cup or Champions League triumphs, to note how integral it is to Mourinho’s style of play. This perhaps, was necessary with Porto, in order to level the playing field against more talented opposition. But when you have the most expensively assembled (and some would say best) squad in Europe, why resort to such methods? Ferguson’s United were the “neutral’s choice” for the Premiership last season, which just serves to highlight what a b*****d Mourinho really is. That most of the country could bring themselves to root for the red-nosed Scottish t**t speaks volumes.
2. Anders Frisk
When a referee gets death threats and decides to retire from football purely due to the comments of a manager, something has gone wrong. It’s an old truth in football that referees are only human – even the best sometimes get decisions wrong. Managers often forget this, and can occasionally go way too far in criticising an incorrect decision by a referee. If this was Mourinho’s crime here, I’d be tempted to forgive him. But it wasn’t.
Following Drogba’s dismissal in the Nou Camp, Mourinho claimed he had witnessed Frank Rijkaard leaving referee Frisk’s dressing room at half-time, with the suggestion that this led to Drogba’s dismissal, that there was either pressure placed on the official, or (even worse!) a pre-conceived plan to screw Chelsea. An allegation of collusion between home manager and referee had never been made before in Champions League history, and was an incredibly serious complaint. Or it would have been, if it was true.
A full UEFA investigation found that Mourinho had, quite simply, made it all up. It was just b******s. To be fair, Mourinho was fined, and forced to complete a touchline ban, but that hardly matches up to the fear, misery and loss of earnings incurred by Mr Frisk after he received death threats from Chelsea fans and decided to give up the game he loved. Especially when you consider Mourinho flaunted his suspension by hiding a receiver in his assistant’s hat, and hiding himself in a dressing room laundry basket for the following games against Bayern Munich. His teams dive, whinge and cheat – and he lies, whinges and cheats.
3. Cashley Hole
He tapped him up. You know it, I know it, Mourinho knows it. He got fined £200,000, but somehow had this reduced to £9000 on appeal.
4. Crimes against Football
He has spent more money than any other manager in the history of the game, and yet this squad of superstars ground out 1-0 wins at home to pure s**te. True, just one look at Manchester United this season tells you how teams come to your ground and try to frustrate you, but a total lack of flair and invention in his teams led to a huge anti-Chelsea feeling throughout Europe. Creative talents like Wright-Phillips, Joe Cole, Damien Duff and Arjen Robben have spent huge amounts of time side-lined in favour of more prosaic, pragmatic players - with Tuesday’s final straw against Rosenborg a classic example.
Drawing 1-1 going into the last 20 minutes, Mourinho replaced the attack-minded Ashley Cole with centre-back Tal Ben-Haim, in order to send John Terry up front as a battering ram. Had Chelsea been playing a Polynesian pygmy tribe this may have been understandable, but against the hardened, 6-foot-plus, battle-scarred frames of the Norwegians this was a futile gesture which only served to limit Chelsea’s play.
It’s not the first time Mourinho has used this tactic. Following Liverpool’s 2006 FA Cup Semi Final defeat of Chelsea, Rafa Benitez quipped “When you need a goal and are chasing a game you can do one of two things. You can throw a centre half up front and hope for the best, or you can bring on a player like (matchwinner) Luis Garcia, who can play between the lines and give defenders problems.” Throughout his Chelsea career Mourinho has never been short of potential matchwinners, but he seemed intent on playing as few of them as possible, preferring to rely on athleticism, brute force and aerial ability to pound the opposition into submission. This will only get you so far, and won’t win you many friends. Why should we see the Premier League as poorer for having lost this sort of philosophy? When you’ve bought the players Mourinho did you can play whatever style you want – and he chose that style, it wasn’t forced on him. We should be glad to see the back of it.
I could go on and on and on, but I think you’ve pretty much got the point. Mourinho’s teams cheat, and play horrible football. He himself is narrow-minded in terms of playing style, and has no regard for the laws of the game, or for the people he tramples in his quest for success. Following the Frisk affair, Mourinho was branded an “enemy of football” by one UEFA official. Bear all of this in mind next time Paul Merson is telling you how much he’ll be missed from the Premier League, and ask yourself – Is the occasional humorous interview reason enough to miss him bearing in mind all the negativity he’s brought to the English game? I for one don’t think so.
