Stevie Shines Through England S**te

Playing in a now unfamiliar holding midfield role, Steven Gerrard once again showed his capacity to carry a sub-standard team to a respectable result against superior opponents in England's (mis)match against Brazil.

The only man in white who seemed to give a f**k about the way the game was played, or even to where he was supposed to be playing, Gerrard nevertheless failed to disguise what was another shocking England performance. Thank God the Brazilians seem to have caught Arsenal disease after playing at the Emirates. Were it not for Kaka & co's compulsion to walk the ball into the net through seven white shirts, England would surely have been punished for allowing their illustrious opponents more time on the ball than is good for anyone.

More frustrating was the English tendency to treat possession like they were at Al-Qaida's annual 'pass the parcel' contest: no f**ker wanted it and no f**ker kept it either. How long is Crouch to be blamed for England hitting and hoping with high balls forward? For 80 minutes England tried it, with only Owen and Smith up against the tallest man ever to play for Brazil. It's time to realise we're a limited team with limited players and limited tactics, hoofing the ball up top is about our only way of moving it from front to back. Playing Crouch doesn't make us do it more, it makes us do it to someone who's got a chance. The tactic was play it early, play it long, and when that wasn't on they bounced it around like some sort of hot-potato, pinball, mixed-metaphoric nightmare, desperate not to have to keep possession and try something skillful, or, say...creative.

Devoid of service up front, decisiveness at the back and ideas in midfield, England were served with effort - if not much craft - by the likes of Shorey, Beckham and King, but Gerrard twice came to the rescue with biting tackles in the first half, and broke up Brazil's play effectively throughout the second. At various intervals during the match he could be seen attempting to force the tempo, but in a withdrawn role his surging, crowd-raising runs were limited to a minimum. He was the only Englishman to appear worthy of sharing a pitch with the skilled but lethargic Brazilians, and one can only imagine the potent mix of his energy, passion and drive combined in a team with the outrageous talents of Ronaldinho and Kaka.

If Gerrard was Brazilian, they'd be untouchable. But on the up side that means England only need to find one Ronaldinho...

Oh, and a Kaka. And maybe an Alves, a Robinho, a Diego...but hey - Stevie's a start.