Premier League Winners and Losers

Winners

Liverpool
It might only have been Derby, and a very poor Derby at that. But the way the Reds completely demolished their opponents left no-one in any doubt that they’re a much improved side this year, and they’ll take some stopping. After dominating – but failing to finish off – Chelsea two weeks ago, Liverpool are showing a new-found ruthless streak in front of goal that has been the only thing missing from their game for two years. If they keep this up, the current 2-week stretch in which they’re top of the league won’t be an isolated one.

Arsenal
Also showing a new-found cutting edge this season. Goals from midfield (Gilberto aside) were woefully lacking last season, but without Henry the Gunners’ undoubtedly talented midfield players have stepped up to the plate. They absolutely destroyed Portsmouth with the sort of free-flowing moves we’re used to from Wenger’s teams, but shocked the nation by actually finishing them off. Three times. On this form, they’re making those that wrote them off look very, very stupid.

Aston Villa
Showing signs of turning into a decent side, all things considered. Personally, I haven’t forgiven them for their part in that St James’ bore-fest a couple of weeks ago, but they’ve got a solid backline, and the raw pace of Young, Moore, Agbonlahor etc will cause many teams problems. Even more so when they can finish, like Sunday. Too many off days from those boys though – like the one at St James’ – could cost them a European place, as you struggle to find what looks like a consistent goalscorer in the Villa ranks.

Blackburn Rovers
Proving me wrong. Totally wrong. I thought that not spending money would automatically mean a move backwards for Rovers, bearing in mind the money spent by Newcastle, Man City and others. But by adding Santa Cruz and keeping the rest of his side together, Mark Hughes has put together a quality side, with depth and character. Not many teams will get a point at Ewood this season, although a few might pick up some bruises…

Mickey Owen & Steve McClaren
Beating Wigan 1-0 at home barely counts as a success for Newcastle. I mean, it is a success, but one that was entirely expected, and perhaps by more goals. So whilst Newcastle will be satisfied, they won’t be delighted. Two men who will be are part-time striker Michael Owen, and part-brained England manager Steve McClaren. Owen proved that every once in a while he can perform the feat of playing 90 minutes, scoring a goal, and not getting stretchered off. Which was probably beyond the wildest dreams of either him or McClaren.

Louis Saha
As above, but with Alex Ferguson as the delighted manager.

Everton
Somewhat scraped their result, but Yakubu scoring on his debut is good news. It seems him & Johnson could provide a decent partnership up front, and that’s something Everton have been lacking. The industry and indeed creativity of their midfield has never been in doubt, and under Moyes they’ve always been solid at the back. If those two can provide the goals their potential suggests, then watch out Tottenham – your 5th place is under threat.

Anderson & Nani
Cristiano Ronaldo paying for a few £3000-a-time hookers sounds like a nice welcome present to me. If you’re into that kind of thing.
(Which they clearly are)


Losers

Martin Jol
When you take off the best player on the pitch and lose a 3 goal lead, you know you’re going to get some comeback on that decision. When you’re already the Premier League’s most under-pressure manager it’s only going to make things worse. And the timing and nature of Fulham’s equaliser must have him feeling like the whole world is against him. A draw was harsh on Spurs, but they’ve only themselves to blame after missing a bunch of chances that would embarrass Arsenal.

Bolton
Just when they thought they’d got things going again, they go and f**k it all up. They really will be in trouble if they’re not careful, not even Nicolas Anelka’s stunner could get them something at home to Everton, a game they must have fancied their chances in.

Reading
What’s going on? They’re getting battered all over the place at the moment, and the way they started the season promised so much too. Perhaps it’s easy to get these lads motivated for games against Chelsea and Man U, but when West Ham (who they beat 6-0 last season) come calling, no-one can be arsed. Will need to fix things soon.

Derby
Going…going…and Paddy Power have paid out already on them going down this season. 2 or 3 more defeats similar to ones against Spurs and Liverpool lately will see that decision entirely justified. On Saturday, they were awful. Witness Torres’ 1st goal – and Liverpool’s 3rd – where Mascherano charged 20 yards to dispossess an aimlessly ambling Derby midfielder, allowing Torres to bamboozle two defenders and the keeper before finishing with a side-footer you try in training. And when you watch Babel’s goal – great as it was – it just gets worse from a Derby perspective. Not good enough in any department, frankly.

Chelsea
After going a goal down, they appeared shapeless, and completely devoid of ideas. Somehow ended up with Malouda in central midfield and Joe Cole on the right – Mourinho’s tinkering appeared desperate rather than decisive, especially when first Alex and then John Terry lumbered up front to provide a target man. As if Drogba and Pizzaro weren’t enough. I would normally be tempted to write this one off as one of those days, but the performances against Brimingham, Reading, Liverpool and Portsmouth have all been pretty much as bad. Chelsea are seriously lacking in form, and perhaps confidence. Comparisons of Liverpool’s, and then Chelsea’s performances at Villa Park show a huge gulf in form.

Cristiano Ronaldo
In the words of one of those now-infamous hookers…

“When I walked in the room I recognised Ronaldo straight away – I’ve fancied him since the World Cup, and I was thinking ‘get in! I’ll do this for free!’”

Of course, before she had the chance to make that offer, he splashed out £3000 for her services. Lesson here lads – offer your hookers a drink first, get to know them a bit, don’t just dive straight in with the cash like a flash Portuguese tw*t. You never know what you might get for free.